Families, Inc. therapist Dr. Dana Watson has been featured regularly on KFIN’s Breakfast Club to discuss maintaining a healthy mindset. The following is a transcript from a recent interview she had with KFIN’s Breakfast Club’s Brandon Baxter.
Brandon Baxter: Back to school time… lots of changes, lots of rough patches, lots of finding our footing again after summer break. How can parents prepare and help their children?
Dr. Dana Watson: Transitions can be hard! And even good transitions can create stress! Give your children and yourself grace – and time to prepare emotionally and physically. For most kiddos and parents, we eventually get into the swing of things within the first month or so.
The good news is that children are generally flexible and can adapt with a little time and encouragement. Plus, most teachers and school staff are experts at providing the elements that make them feel welcome, safe, and prepared for learning and socializing.
Some kids seem to be more anxious about going back to school than others. It might be a combination of nervousness about meeting new people, their new teachers, and for some, even the threat of school violence. All of these things can make it hard for a child to think about being away from their family and home setting.
Feelings of nervousness are 100% normal and should be expected during times of transition. A lot of people think of separation anxiety as a problem that only affects toddlers and preschoolers, but we also see it in much older kids.
Some kids are more naturally inclined toward anxious thoughts and feelings than others. While most people experience some degree of worry, higher levels of anxiety can be emotionally, physically, and socially disruptive.
What are some signs of an anxious child?
When you are worried, you often don’t have an appetite (or, like me, you stress eat!). You may also have trouble falling or staying asleep, exhibit physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches, or be especially clingy or irritable.
Anxiety takes a lot of energy out of us, so your child may often want to isolate and avoid normal daily activities.
What can parents do if their child is particularly anxious?
It’s important that children attend school. Missing school because of anxiety robs the child of the chance to gain a sense of control over their anxiety. It also prevents them from making friends, enjoying a successful school day, and developing a relationship with their teacher.
The parent-teacher relationship is incredibly important in helping kids thrive. If you notice your child struggling academically, socially, or emotionally, reach out to their teacher. If you have questions about the classroom or your child’s progress, reach out! You don’t need to wait for the first parent-teacher conference to make contact.
If the anxiety is significant and doesn’t reduce after a while, the parent should always seek help from a professional. It’s better to intervene early than to have your child (and family) struggle all year.
Most parents agree that mornings are HARD. What can parents do to help their children in the mornings?
The best thing you can do to make your mornings go more smoothly is prepare. Some preparations parents can make include laying out school clothes, packing lunches, finishing homework, and repacking bags. But the number one thing you can do to make your mornings go more smoothly is getting your children to bed on time.
The back-to-school transition can take a lot of energy out of your child – don’t start them at a disadvantage. Make sure they go to sleep early to capture as much rest as they can each night.
If your mornings feel rushed, try getting up first to dress and prepare so that you are then able to keep your child on a tight schedule. I know in my household, the reduction in drama and stress is worth me and my husband getting up early… there is nothing crazier or more stressful than all of us running around fussy and tense.
Getting up 20 minutes earlier may make all the difference in whether you and your child are emotionally and physically prepared to succeed the following day.
You always say routines are important for children – well, for all of us. Tell me how routines can help children when they’re going back to school.
Anyone who has ever been a patient of mine or has heard me on this show knows that I preach routine and healthy boundaries as the foundations of healthy living. So, yes, parents should ensure that their children have a predictable routine for homework, family time, meals, bath, and sleep.
Knowing what to expect and being rested and prepared can help all family members cope with the demands of returning to school.
You have talked before about the difference between being a parent and parenting – like the action verb parenting. Walk me through that again. I think that hits home for a lot of people.
Being a parent can be a lot of fun, but our responsibilities as parents include doing the “hard things,” such as making and maintaining a schedule for our children and family. We must put aside all the nervousness of upsetting children by taking away privileges and make sure we are using the very few years we have with them to ensure they are prepared to parent themselves as adults.
Also, the frustration they’ll experience through us enforcing rules will help prepare them for following rules at work and in relationships. This often means saying no to too much screen time and helping our children understand how an overload of TV or phone use can be harmful.
Additionally, it’s important to teach them how doing their homework, brushing their teeth, bathing regularly, eating well, and getting good sleep are all vital to their immediate and long-term success.
The best way to make sure our children take care of themselves now and as adults is for them to see us taking care of ourselves in the ways that we want for them.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s going on with kids, especially when they’re in their pre-teens or teen years. They don’t always like to talk or share information. Any advice on how to navigate that?
Connect with parents in your child’s peer group and with their teachers to ensure you have information about activities and any issues that may be surfacing with your child or their peer group.
Listen – we’re all busy. No one that I know is just sitting around looking for things to do or wishing they had 28 more activities on their calendar. But again, if we don’t want to be surprised, naïve, or heaven forbid, learn the hard way what our children are into or how they are feeling, we have to invest time in checking in with them and really, really being intentional about our interest and time spent with them.
Children will talk to you when they have learned how to talk to you. They’ll only learn that if there’s time allotted in your day and if the response from you helps to engage them, not shut them down.
And if you are listening to me and thinking, “That sounds really awesome, Doc, but you don’t know my kid or how hard I’ve tried,” I would say, “You are correct. I don’t know your child or what is holding them back. And if you are continually trying to get them to open up and it’s not working, what an excellent time to allow a professional to join you and facilitate overcoming those barriers. Your child wants a relationship with you – even if they look like they don’t. Your child wants it, and they need it. Please don’t settle for less.
You always say to make daily conversations and check-ins a priority with your children before hard situations arise. I think I see the value in that more than ever as my son gets older. The conversations get easier, too, now that we are in the routine of talking. I love it. Can you talk more about how to communicate with your child?
Start now. Be intentional about talking to your kids – at least 10 minutes a day. Face-to-face, dinner time, or car time – focused time where you are asking them questions, listening, sharing your thoughts and feelings.
By teaching them how to communicate with you now, you are preparing them to be so much more comfortable in communicating with you later when the much harder topics arise.
I ask my kids to tell me 2 Hots and a Not. They tell me two things that went right and one thing that wasn’t so hot that day. It’s just something I made up that we have done for years. It’s predictable, and we do it every day, so they are thinking all day about what they’re going to remember and tell me. Their friends even get in the car and love to chat away about it.
How about at the end of the day when your child comes home? I remember when I was younger, I would come home exhausted but also pretty cranky. It took me a while to decompress.
Oh, I feel the same way as an adult! Adults need time to decompress, so we should anticipate that our kids do, too. Kids are basically asked to hold in their emotions all day – I mean, we spend years helping them develop strategies to manage their emotions and behavior!
But undoubtedly, at least one thing happens every day that makes them feel worried, sad, or confused. And those big feelings will often come spilling out in the safety of their home. So, we can help them decompress by creating a predictable after-school routine, like having a snack and some downtime.
In the event that your child does have a meltdown, stay close and stay calm, so after they relax you can help them work through the emotions behind it.
What if parents have concerns about how their child is doing emotionally and academically – like if something just doesn’t seem right? What is the first step they should take?
Parents with concerns can contact the mental health provider in their child’s school (or Families, Inc!), who can offer an evaluation of their child’s functioning. They’ll work with you to find strategies that will benefit your child and your family as a whole.
I cannot express enough how important it is to see a professional when you need assistance managing your own emotions and behaviors or those of your child. It can be compared to the way that most parents try to treat a little upset stomach, headache, or fever at home for a day or two, then when they can’t manage it, they go to a physician. It should be the exact same way for your child’s behavioral or emotional health. When you can’t get a handle on it, please seek out a trained therapist to partner with your family and help get you back on track. They can help you develop effective strategies for managing some of the underlying causes of these symptoms.
You always say, “Life is really short. We owe it to ourselves to make it a good one.” It seems like we owe it to ourselves, and we owe it to our children.
If you or a loved one are struggling with mental health, Families, Inc. Counseling Services can help. Call 870.933.6886 or browse our website to learn more.
